We don’t get to hear the greatest broadcasting phrase in hockey enough these days but never fear – these obvious and totally simple to implement solutions will ensure a skyrocket in goals scored in the NHL and we’ll get to hear a lot more:
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He shoots he scores!
Il lance il compte!
Стреляет Он забивает гол! - russian
Han skjuter han poäng! - Swedish
Hän ampuu hän tulokset! - Finnish
Střílí skóruje! – Czech
Category #1 – Immediate Solutions
The first three changes could be implemented immediately for the 2016-2017 season and would have a serious impact. These all relate to the rules and regulations of the game.
Changes to the Penalty Kill – Icing No Longer Permitted
Nothing complicated or revolutionary about this one. If a shorthanded team ices the puck the play will be blown dead as icing and a faceoff will take place in the defending zone. This saves valuable PP time formerly required to retrieve the puck, break into the attacking zone and get your powerplay setup. Tired penalty killers would not be able to make a line change giving an even futher advantage to the team on the PP.
Forget about smaller goalie equipment, if you really want to increase scoring make the puck smaller. This will make it harder to stop for goalies and harder to intercept/deflect or block by defending players. A regulation hockey puck weighs 6oz is 1“ thick and 3“ in diameter. I’m recommending a puck that weighs exactly the same at 6oz and has the exact same thickness at 1“ but a reduced diameter to 2.5“. It’s cold out there on the ice. A little shrinkage is expected.
Changes to the Power Play – Force the PP Team to Pull Their Goalie to Begin Each PP
What’s better than a 5 on 4 powerplay? A 6 on 4 powerplay. Every PP starts in the attacking zone and with 6 players on the ice the PP should be able to convert more frequently. Not only that – it increases the chances of a shorthanded goal because – well there’s no goalie to beat. It’d be like shooting on former NHL journeyman netminder Allan Bester. If you can manage to hit the net you score!
Teams would be allowed to swap their goalie in for a skater on the fly as soon as the puck is dropped but we would all call those teams ball-less losers. At any other stoppage of play after the initial PP face-off you could also swap one of your skaters for a goalie.
Category #2 – Long-term Solutions
These solutions are long-term solutions designed at creating an ongoing supply of naturally athletic and gifted hockey players. It would take about 20 years to get the first batch of SuperPlayers into the league but after there would be a permanent supply year-in and year-out.
Do you guys remember the clone wars in Star Wars? All of those clones were created from the DNA of one elite bounty hunter and then trained from birth to be soldiers.
We should immediately start creating and training clone hockey players using the DNA of the top offensive players in the game. The Russians should already have Ovechkin’s DNA on hand because he himself is most likely a clone – the last great product of the Soviet commies. Patrick Kane’s DNA might be easy enough to come by too – lame pun absolutely intended.
Eugenics / Atrificial Insemenination of Athletic Females Using Hockey Players‘ Semen
Eugenics is “the study of or belief in the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population...by encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics)
When most people hear the word eugenics they think of Nazis however it is more commonly accepted that negative eugenics(preventing poor people and handicapped people from reproducing) was first made popular in the good ole U.S. of A. in the late 1800’s. Possibly by Donald Trump’s ancestors.
In the NHL world I could envision an international semen competition where each nation collects semen samples from its top offensive players and uses it to impregnate numerous women from various athletic backgrounds – not only hockey. Imagine if Alexander Ovechkin and Serena Williams had a baby. That kid would shoot those tiny sized pucks right through a goaltenders glove.
In conclusion you can see how simple it is to increase scoring in the NHL. Somebody tell Bettman but please oh please don’t be using his DNA for any of this.
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