Be a GM Mode: Leafs
Posted 11:20 AM ET | Comments 0
So I woke up today looked in the mirror and saw Brian Burke staring back at me? Weird, I know, but I figure now that I look like him I may have the chance to scratch one item off my wish-list, which is to be the GM of the Leafs! Now, I don’t know how long this is going to last, so I am going to have to act fast if I want to make a difference. So to cut to the chase, I am on my way to the office right now, and am already working the phones during the drive. So here it is, my sure fire way to fix the Leafs and ensure the long term success of this club:
Conversation #1: Burke (Me) to Wilson
Burke “Hey Ronnie! What’s new?”
Wilson: “Oh hey Brian. Well, I just got back from…
Burke “…You’re fired”
Wilson “… Just like that? But we have a winning record so far this year!”
Burke “Yes, we do, but that is in no part thanks to you. I have put more than enough talent in front of you this year, and I have seen the same poop this year as the last. No system, no special teams, and a complete lack of motivation coming out the gate game in and game out. Blame goaltending all you want, but it is on you to get a system in place, and so far all I have seen is pond hockey. You’re out!”
Wilson: “But…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #2: Burke (Me) to Eakins
Burke “Dallas my man!”
Eakins: “Burke? What’s going on?
Burke “Wilson’s gone, how do you feel about becoming the new Leafs head coach? More work, longer hours, not much more money. What do you think?”
Eakins: “Well I…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #3: Burke (Me) to Tambellini (Steve)
Burke “Steve baby!”
Steve: “Hey Burkie, what can I do for you?”
Burke “Looking to trade, so let’s cut to the chase. You need Defence, I want youth. What’s your interest in Komisarek?”
Steve: “I’m interested, but you’re not getting a ton. I know he’s playing better this year, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up the farm for him.”
Burke “Not asking you to. Komi for Omark and a 3rd”
Steve: “Can’t do it, that contract is horrendous. How about Omark and a 5th”
Burke “Accepted!”
*Hang up*
Ha! I would just done it for Omark!
Conversation #4: Burke (Me) to Connolly
Burke “Tim. I need a list of 10 teams you won’t accept a trade to”
Connolly: “But you just signed me!”
Burke “You’ve been injured twice in less than 2 months. Start doing Yoga, for your next team. Now, the list”
Connolly: “MIN, EDM, NYI, BUF, CBJ, WPG, PHO, NAS, FLA, CAR”
*Connolly Thinking* - (He, he… Now he’ll have no one to trade me to… Oh crap, I forgot Calgary)
Connolly: “Hey Burke, can I swap one of my…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #5: Burke (Me) to Feaster
Burke “Jay!”
Feaster: “Hey Brian. Before you start talking, I need you to know my name is not Sutter. I will not be accepting garbage trades from you”
Burke “I wouldn’t dream of it Jay. Here’s my offer, take it or leave it. Calgary hates Sutter for taking on the waste of cap space in Stajan. How about I take him off your hands?”
Feaster: “Really? What’s the catch”
Burke “No catch. I’ll give you Connolly, who can step into your first line centre spot as soon as he gets back in a week or two, and we take Stajan and a 2nd for that horrendous contract for a 4th line centre.”
Feaster: “Stajan and a second eh? That might be a bit much”
Burke “Are you nuts? You rid yourself of a useless contract and get a short-term 1st/2nd line centre, and all I’m asking for is a 2nd rounder. Yes or no? You have 5 seconds.”
Feaster: “Ok, ok, accepted”
Conversation #6: Burke (Me) to Stajan
Burke “Matt. You’ve been bought out”
Stajan: “Who is this?”
*Hang up*
Conversation #7: Burke (Me) to Maloney (Don)
Burke “Hey Don”
Don “If you’re calling about Turris, he’s not getting traded”
Burke “Cut the crap. I know you’re doing all this just to increase his trade value, so what do you really want for him, I mean really.”
Don “Young defender, replacement centre, and a pick. Overpayment or not, it’s what I want.”
Burke “I think we might have a chance at this. How does Lombardi, Franson, and a 6th sound?”
Don “How has Lombo been?”
Burke “Doing better than expected considering what he is returning from, but he still plays a defensively responsible game, just needs more time to et into game shape and get his head back in the game.”
Don “Hmm. Can you increase the pick?”
Burke “Well. I can upgrade it to a 5th, but it’ll be Edmonton’s.”
Don “How’d you get that pick?”
Burke “Got it for Komi”
Don “Straight up? What a steal!”
Burke “No they threw in Omark as well”
Don “Haha, ah Burke, I needed a laugh, thanks. Ok you got a deal”
Burke “Thanks Donnie”
*Hang Up*
Conversation #8: Burke (Me) to Murray
Burke “Hey Brian. Are you up for a little game of chicken?”
Murray: “Hey Brian. What does it entail?”
Burke “Well basically everyone has Ottawa pinned to do worse than the Leafs this season, but Ottawa fans don’t seem to think the same. So how about I trade you our 1st round pick this year and Calgary’s 2nd this year for your 1st? Ottawa fans seem to think that there will be a negligible difference between our places in the standings this year, and if that is true, then you come out of it with an extra second rounder. You game?
Murray: “Haha, sounds like fun. Ok you’re on!”
*Hang Up*
Conversation #9: Burke (Me) to Turris
Burke “Kyle?”
Turris: “Burke? Are you allowed to be talking to me right now?”
Burke “I traded for you, now listen up. You are getting a second chance here. Maloney was willing to sit you out all year, but I personally think that there is little value in that. So here is the deal. I traded for you. The only reason I did this is because I think you have potential to be a star. Let me tell you however; If I see any female doging from you, or a lack of effort from you at any point, I won’t hesitate to sit your ass in the press box. You got it!?”
Turris: “Got it.”
Burke “Ok. So you will be playing on the first line with Kessel and Lupul. They’ve done well regardless of who has played with them, so that should take some of the pressure of you for now. I want you to find your offensive game again, because I know it is there. Defence is still important, but we need that scoring tough to make the first line that much more dangerous. Play responsible, smart plays, and start playing for the enjoyment of the game again, ok?
Turris: “Yes sir! Thanks for the opportunity!”
*Hang-Up*
Conversation #10: Burke (Me) to Aulie
Burke “Keith. Don’t talk, just listen. You’ve struggled in the minors and in preseason. I know you have talent, that’s why I traded for you. I’m calling you up, and I’m going to put you back with Dion. Forget your offensive game for now. You can develop that when you get back to the confidence level of last year on the defensive end. Just keep it simple and cover for Dion when he takes a rush. That’s it. Use your body, and play some sound defensive hockey because G-d knows we’re missing that part of the game. Ok?”
Voice: “I think you have the wrong num…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #11: Burke (Me) to Schenn
Burke “Luke. You there?”
Schenn: “Yes Brian. What’s good?”
Burke “Not you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you just out of it these days. Wake up! I’m sick of seeing you try and develop your offensive game while having these huge lapses on defence. Offense comes with sound defensive hockey. We have Phanuef, Liles, Gardiner, and even Gunnarsson contributing offensively. We don’t need you to do anything of the sort. You led the league in hits last year, let’s see if you can do the same this year. Oh, and for the love of Christ can you work on your foot speed? I’m sick of watching highlights of guys blowing past you!”
Schenn: “Highlights? You don’t watch the games?”
Burke “With the way we’ve been playing can you blame me? Now get a move on fixing these things. The team needs you/”
Using IPhone App: “Be a GM Roster Moves”
1. Burke recalls Keith Aulie from the Toronto Marlies
2. Burke assigns Matt Frattin to the Toronto Marlies
3. Burke buys out Matt Stajan
4. Burke Signs Turris to a 2-year $2.5M contract
5. Burke hires Don Cherry to coach the Toronto Marlies until an adequate replacement can be found (Whether or not he would do a good job, it would be entertaining as hell)
*Poof*. I looked in the mirror, and I was back to myself. Ah well. Let’s take a look at what was accomplished.
Toronto Maple Leafs:
Head Coach: Dallas Eakins
Lupul-Turris-Kessel
Macarthur-Grabovski-Kulemin
Crabb-Bozak-Brown (Armstrong)
Orr-Steckel-Dupuis (Brown)
Phaneuf-Aulie
Liles-Gardiner
Gunnarson-Schenn
Scrivens (Reimer)
Gustavsson
Toronto Marlies
Head Coach: Don Cherry
Omark-Colborne-Kadri
Frattin-Zigomanis-Caputi
D’Amigo-Boyce-Ryan
Meuller-Scott (Dupuis)-Rosehill
Blacker-Holzer
Finger-Lashoff
Engel-Mikus
Rynnas (Scrivens)
Owuya (Rynnas)
2012 1st – OTT
2012 2nd – TOR
2012 3rd – TOR
2012 4th – TOR
2012 5th – TOR
2012 6th – TOR
2012 7th – TOR
Solid 1st line in the Marlies, potentially dangerous 1st line for the leafs, more youth, a potential lottery pick, a better NHL coach, and about $6.0M more in cap space for the year.
Ok, I’m happy. What would be your fixes?
Thanks for reading!
Conversation #1: Burke (Me) to Wilson
Burke “Hey Ronnie! What’s new?”
Wilson: “Oh hey Brian. Well, I just got back from…
Burke “…You’re fired”
Wilson “… Just like that? But we have a winning record so far this year!”
Burke “Yes, we do, but that is in no part thanks to you. I have put more than enough talent in front of you this year, and I have seen the same poop this year as the last. No system, no special teams, and a complete lack of motivation coming out the gate game in and game out. Blame goaltending all you want, but it is on you to get a system in place, and so far all I have seen is pond hockey. You’re out!”
Wilson: “But…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #2: Burke (Me) to Eakins
Burke “Dallas my man!”
Eakins: “Burke? What’s going on?
Burke “Wilson’s gone, how do you feel about becoming the new Leafs head coach? More work, longer hours, not much more money. What do you think?”
Eakins: “Well I…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #3: Burke (Me) to Tambellini (Steve)
Burke “Steve baby!”
Steve: “Hey Burkie, what can I do for you?”
Burke “Looking to trade, so let’s cut to the chase. You need Defence, I want youth. What’s your interest in Komisarek?”
Steve: “I’m interested, but you’re not getting a ton. I know he’s playing better this year, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up the farm for him.”
Burke “Not asking you to. Komi for Omark and a 3rd”
Steve: “Can’t do it, that contract is horrendous. How about Omark and a 5th”
Burke “Accepted!”
*Hang up*
Ha! I would just done it for Omark!
Conversation #4: Burke (Me) to Connolly
Burke “Tim. I need a list of 10 teams you won’t accept a trade to”
Connolly: “But you just signed me!”
Burke “You’ve been injured twice in less than 2 months. Start doing Yoga, for your next team. Now, the list”
Connolly: “MIN, EDM, NYI, BUF, CBJ, WPG, PHO, NAS, FLA, CAR”
*Connolly Thinking* - (He, he… Now he’ll have no one to trade me to… Oh crap, I forgot Calgary)
Connolly: “Hey Burke, can I swap one of my…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #5: Burke (Me) to Feaster
Burke “Jay!”
Feaster: “Hey Brian. Before you start talking, I need you to know my name is not Sutter. I will not be accepting garbage trades from you”
Burke “I wouldn’t dream of it Jay. Here’s my offer, take it or leave it. Calgary hates Sutter for taking on the waste of cap space in Stajan. How about I take him off your hands?”
Feaster: “Really? What’s the catch”
Burke “No catch. I’ll give you Connolly, who can step into your first line centre spot as soon as he gets back in a week or two, and we take Stajan and a 2nd for that horrendous contract for a 4th line centre.”
Feaster: “Stajan and a second eh? That might be a bit much”
Burke “Are you nuts? You rid yourself of a useless contract and get a short-term 1st/2nd line centre, and all I’m asking for is a 2nd rounder. Yes or no? You have 5 seconds.”
Feaster: “Ok, ok, accepted”
Conversation #6: Burke (Me) to Stajan
Burke “Matt. You’ve been bought out”
Stajan: “Who is this?”
*Hang up*
Conversation #7: Burke (Me) to Maloney (Don)
Burke “Hey Don”
Don “If you’re calling about Turris, he’s not getting traded”
Burke “Cut the crap. I know you’re doing all this just to increase his trade value, so what do you really want for him, I mean really.”
Don “Young defender, replacement centre, and a pick. Overpayment or not, it’s what I want.”
Burke “I think we might have a chance at this. How does Lombardi, Franson, and a 6th sound?”
Don “How has Lombo been?”
Burke “Doing better than expected considering what he is returning from, but he still plays a defensively responsible game, just needs more time to et into game shape and get his head back in the game.”
Don “Hmm. Can you increase the pick?”
Burke “Well. I can upgrade it to a 5th, but it’ll be Edmonton’s.”
Don “How’d you get that pick?”
Burke “Got it for Komi”
Don “Straight up? What a steal!”
Burke “No they threw in Omark as well”
Don “Haha, ah Burke, I needed a laugh, thanks. Ok you got a deal”
Burke “Thanks Donnie”
*Hang Up*
Conversation #8: Burke (Me) to Murray
Burke “Hey Brian. Are you up for a little game of chicken?”
Murray: “Hey Brian. What does it entail?”
Burke “Well basically everyone has Ottawa pinned to do worse than the Leafs this season, but Ottawa fans don’t seem to think the same. So how about I trade you our 1st round pick this year and Calgary’s 2nd this year for your 1st? Ottawa fans seem to think that there will be a negligible difference between our places in the standings this year, and if that is true, then you come out of it with an extra second rounder. You game?
Murray: “Haha, sounds like fun. Ok you’re on!”
*Hang Up*
Conversation #9: Burke (Me) to Turris
Burke “Kyle?”
Turris: “Burke? Are you allowed to be talking to me right now?”
Burke “I traded for you, now listen up. You are getting a second chance here. Maloney was willing to sit you out all year, but I personally think that there is little value in that. So here is the deal. I traded for you. The only reason I did this is because I think you have potential to be a star. Let me tell you however; If I see any female doging from you, or a lack of effort from you at any point, I won’t hesitate to sit your ass in the press box. You got it!?”
Turris: “Got it.”
Burke “Ok. So you will be playing on the first line with Kessel and Lupul. They’ve done well regardless of who has played with them, so that should take some of the pressure of you for now. I want you to find your offensive game again, because I know it is there. Defence is still important, but we need that scoring tough to make the first line that much more dangerous. Play responsible, smart plays, and start playing for the enjoyment of the game again, ok?
Turris: “Yes sir! Thanks for the opportunity!”
*Hang-Up*
Conversation #10: Burke (Me) to Aulie
Burke “Keith. Don’t talk, just listen. You’ve struggled in the minors and in preseason. I know you have talent, that’s why I traded for you. I’m calling you up, and I’m going to put you back with Dion. Forget your offensive game for now. You can develop that when you get back to the confidence level of last year on the defensive end. Just keep it simple and cover for Dion when he takes a rush. That’s it. Use your body, and play some sound defensive hockey because G-d knows we’re missing that part of the game. Ok?”
Voice: “I think you have the wrong num…”
*Hang up*
Conversation #11: Burke (Me) to Schenn
Burke “Luke. You there?”
Schenn: “Yes Brian. What’s good?”
Burke “Not you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you just out of it these days. Wake up! I’m sick of seeing you try and develop your offensive game while having these huge lapses on defence. Offense comes with sound defensive hockey. We have Phanuef, Liles, Gardiner, and even Gunnarsson contributing offensively. We don’t need you to do anything of the sort. You led the league in hits last year, let’s see if you can do the same this year. Oh, and for the love of Christ can you work on your foot speed? I’m sick of watching highlights of guys blowing past you!”
Schenn: “Highlights? You don’t watch the games?”
Burke “With the way we’ve been playing can you blame me? Now get a move on fixing these things. The team needs you/”
Using IPhone App: “Be a GM Roster Moves”
1. Burke recalls Keith Aulie from the Toronto Marlies
2. Burke assigns Matt Frattin to the Toronto Marlies
3. Burke buys out Matt Stajan
4. Burke Signs Turris to a 2-year $2.5M contract
5. Burke hires Don Cherry to coach the Toronto Marlies until an adequate replacement can be found (Whether or not he would do a good job, it would be entertaining as hell)
*Poof*. I looked in the mirror, and I was back to myself. Ah well. Let’s take a look at what was accomplished.
Toronto Maple Leafs:
Head Coach: Dallas Eakins
Lupul-Turris-Kessel
Macarthur-Grabovski-Kulemin
Crabb-Bozak-Brown (Armstrong)
Orr-Steckel-Dupuis (Brown)
Phaneuf-Aulie
Liles-Gardiner
Gunnarson-Schenn
Scrivens (Reimer)
Gustavsson
Toronto Marlies
Head Coach: Don Cherry
Omark-Colborne-Kadri
Frattin-Zigomanis-Caputi
D’Amigo-Boyce-Ryan
Meuller-Scott (Dupuis)-Rosehill
Blacker-Holzer
Finger-Lashoff
Engel-Mikus
Rynnas (Scrivens)
Owuya (Rynnas)
2012 1st – OTT
2012 2nd – TOR
2012 3rd – TOR
2012 4th – TOR
2012 5th – TOR
2012 6th – TOR
2012 7th – TOR
Solid 1st line in the Marlies, potentially dangerous 1st line for the leafs, more youth, a potential lottery pick, a better NHL coach, and about $6.0M more in cap space for the year.
Ok, I’m happy. What would be your fixes?
Thanks for reading!