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"Hockey is gay, losers."
St. Albert, AB • Canada • 19 Years Old • Male

You People All Suck

Posted 5:09 PM ET | Comments 0
Yo, dudes, check it out. So I was over at my friend Chad's place last night. We don't call him "Chad" we call him "Nads" because that's what he's like. A big set of nads. Anyway, I was over at Nads place and we were drinking sum Axe, which we always do on Wednesday because it makes you feel real dizzy n' stuff. And after about the third can, Chad said to me something like, "dude, your face is on fire," and I was like, "no it isn't, jerk wad." He was actually right because I didn't know Axe could catch fire and burn things, which is good information next time you want to torch a high school or an ex-girlfriend because she didn't put out. It's bad news though when it's your face on fire.

After the popo put out my face, Nads dad, who we call The Sack, came downstairs to watch hockey, because he said the "old lady got mad because hockey is for imbred cousins," or something. I don't remember, because I was too busy being choked about having all the little hairs in my nose burnt up. Hey, did you ever notice how humans smell like burnt chicken whenever you lite them on fire? Lame.

Things after The Sack came downstairs got all stupid and stuff, and it's lame because The Sack is a Montreal Frogs fan, and they were winnin'. It's not a surprise, because they were playing against a team from New York, and everyone knows how crappy hockey in New York is. Remember that big bald loser Messier? The guy never played a good game in his life. I saw a picture of this one ex-girlfriend of his once, and I didn't want to say anything, but she kinda made me throw up in my mouth a bit because her nose was too big. I mean worse than Tim Hunter big. Messier seems pretty cool; you'd think he could hook up with someone who has a better nose.

The Sack kept yelling and kickin' over the popcorn every time the Frogs did something. Like this one time, when Andrei Canesten scored with a slap shot from about 100 feet away on that Rocky Dipetro dude. Wait, it was Rolaids in net. The point is, that goalie sucks and my little sister who is five and deformed could stop the puck better. She stops traffic when she walks down the street, but it could be because she's a freak of nature or something. Isn't Rolaids about 100 years old by now? The guy should be playin' for the Rangers, not the Islanders, being that old.

So anyway to make a long stork stupid, I ended up goin' upstairs and sneaking into the closet of The Sack's bedroom so I could watch Mrs. Sack undress. After her massive beasts were exposed, I let out a yep because I know she knew I was there and I know she totally wanted it. She opened the closet and yelled, "get out of here, you pervert," and I was all, "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me," and she grabbed this baseball bat that was next to the nightstand and smoked me on the place where my face was on fire a few minutes earlier. Which is okay, because being knocked out kept me from feeling pain for a while. When I came to I was outside, laying in one of those green dumpsters like that Jon Benet kid, and Nads was all, "you're sick, dude," and I was all, "dude, have you ever seen your mom naked? She's kinda saggy, but in a huge way," and he was all like, "I totally know dude, but every time I hit on her she sends me to see a physiotherapist or something."

All I know is, the Frogs won, Axe burnt off all my zits, and my best friend is sick in the head because he tries to nail his mom. None of this would of happened if The Sack would have cheered for the Maple Leafs or some team with less IQ-impaired fans.

Laters, dudes. Next time we'll talk about how lame every American team in the NHL is.
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