A Note to
Posted 5:53 PM ET | Comments 0
It is with a heavy heart that I must regrettably turn in my Pittsburgh Penguins' fan card. Despite being a fan since 1984 where I have been able to watch such wonderful moments in franchise history as Lemieux's 5 goals 5 ways against the Devils on 12/31/88, back-to-back Stanley Cups in 91 & 92, Mario Lemieux's victory over cancer, and the drafting of a nucleus of talent that would bring the Stanley Cup back to Pittsburgh in 2009; I am no true fan. You see these astute posters (who are in no way trolls, because that would be against this website's code of conduct) representing such storied organizations as the Philadelphia Flyers, New York Rangers, and New Jersey Devils have shown me that I am no true fan because I didn't go to very many games in the early 2000's. You see, a true fan has to be a masochist. A true fan continues to throw money at an inferior product where the chance of victory is virtually non-existent in a league where 4-6 select franchises have any real hope (FYI my Pittsburgh Pirates fan card will also being remitted to MLB). A true fan must be a fan of the logo on the front of the jersey even if the back of the jersey reads names like Fata, Koltsov, and Surovy. Most importantly, a true fan would never begin supporting an organization simply because the new management meaningfully works toward creating an exciting product and supporting its fan base.
Furthermore, as some of these trol...err...posters have also pointed out, even if I were a true fan I would be a true fan of a sham franchise. It's so obvious to me now that all of the wonderful Pittsburgh Penguins' moments that are a part of my life never should have happened. The Pens clearly tanked the '83-'84 season, and it wasn't because they were just that awful. Pittsburgh's unsportsmanlike tanking robbed the New Jersey Devils of their right to draft Lemieux, and robbed the NHL of the glory of seeing le Magnifique in those stunning red and green Christmas elf uniforms. Obviously, no matter who the Penguins drafted with the second overall pick that person would not have had the same impact on a franchise and a city that Lemieux did, and the Pittsburgh Penguins would have folded or moved. I realize now all those memories I used to cherish are lies. I feel so dirty. Can the true fans of true NHL teams please forgive this no-good bandwagoner?
I know one person giving up his fandom doesn't make up for the untold mental anguish the Penguins have caused. So to make it up to true fans of true NHL teams I would like to make several proposals.
1. Disband the Penguins immediately: all championships and player awards will be given to the respective runners-up (congratulations to the Minnesota North Stars on their 1st Stanley Cup).
2. All current players under contract with the Penguins will be added to the 2012 NHL entry draft (draft to be held at a new sight to be determined by the NHL board of governors). The only exception to this is Sidney Crosby. He will immediately become the property of whichever team really won the 2005 NHL Draft Lottery.
3. Tear down the Mario Lemieux statue of le Magnifique and invite fans from around the league to come to Pittsburgh to beat it with their shoes. The Rich Pilon and Jeff Norton statues will continue to stand as a constant reminder of our collective shame.
4. Re-infect Mario Lemieux with cancer. This may seem drastic, but it could be argued that without access to Pittsburgh's world-class cancer treatment centers he may not have recovered.
5. Re-infect every person who has survived Cancer since 1993. Without his recovery, Lemieux would not have founded the Mario Lemieux Foundation for cancer research. Without the funding, countless cancer survivors may not have gotten the treatment they need (sorry Aunt Jean).