There you are, my pretties. It’s time for me to talk about something that is more relevant than scoring goals, icing pucks, or oiling up Jarome Iginla for a Sports Illustrated cover photo. Hell-oooo!
Now don’t be getting all needy. You wish you were oh so fabulous like I am, Maxbone Blackwell. Perhaps you can not tell from my writing that I am the epitome of trendy, but trust me, I look sexier than Don Cherry wearing his brightest techno-color vomit suit. I know fashion, and not only do I know fashion, but I know what’s hot, what’s fab, what’s kinky. Did somebody say, “kinky?” Grrr….stop that, you bunch of lycanthropes. You’ll have to wait your turn. Growl. Snarl.
I’m here today to tell the discerning NHL fan what to wear. What’s hot and what’s not during the 2009/2010 NHL season. And, phew, the first thing that not hot is a What’s Hot and What’s Not list. 1-800-Yawnfest. Been there, sold the t-shirt on the street corner with my youth and innocence. Don’t look at me like that, you know I’m still oh so fashionable. Hey you with the beer gut and Bruins logo shaved into your head: You know you want me. The line starts on my right behind Gary Bettman and the one-legged man in the leather headgear.
Let’s start the discussion with the ugliest of the ugly. We’re taking ralph-a-rama. Completely lame and twisted. How about those Carolina Hurricane jerseys? Look, I am not a weatherman, or weathergirl for that matter, but shouldn’t a Hurricane jersey look less like a swirl, and more like a pancaked office building? You wouldn’t catch Hurricane Bill coming anywhere near Carolina dressed like that. The ‘Canes look bad, but you can’t get much more ugmo that the home jersey of the Minnesota Wild. One time, me and my Latin friend Enrique were at a Wild game, and I started screaming like a little girl because I thought we were lost in the forest, and I thought Hansel and Gretel were going to eat me. Well, at least Hansel would have.
I am still trying to figure out just exactly what the Atlanta Thrashers jersey is all about. Is that an angry soccer mom holding a stick chasing after a bargain at the local Target? And what about that Washington Capitals alternative logo that they stole from Weezer, who stole it from Van Halen? I remember one time, me and Eddy Van Halen were completely 9-1-1 slammered, and we were throwing Rolo candies at Valerie Bertinelli before she went all Jenny Craig on us. How drunk was I that night? I woke up face down in the gutter. Or was it face down on a guy named Gunter. I forget.
Fashionable jerseys are all the rage, and nobody can rage more than I do. I remember one time I was at the local DMV, and this employee who obviously took one too many caffeine tablets that morning kept retaking my Drivers’ photo because she didn’t like the position of my mouth. In response, I started throwing copies of Cosmo at her, asking her to take a look at how a real photographer wants a model to pose. Instead of looking, she just told me to get out. I then had a total eppy and started screaming to see the Manager, who I ended slapping for calling me a derogatory name. Saucy! We have a date next Tuesday.
If you want to look good in hockey-wear, you need to stick to the classics. The Leafs, Habs, Rangers, and Red Wings jerseys are all sexy and gawjuss. Especially the Maple Leafs jersey, which is totally Canadian, yet totally blue. It brings out the color of my eyes. The Black Hawks jersey might be the best looking, but it’s not very PC, if you know what I mean. It’s not the logo that’s the problem, or the team name; it’s the use of the color black. Black use to be the “it” color, but now it’s just tired and morbid. It’s totally not PC to be dressed like a funeral all day long. Same goes for the Bruins costume. Not very PC, even if you put it on a grizzly bear. Actually, that reminds me of a random thought I had once: Would you put a grizzly bear in the Bruins home jersey, and a polar bear in their away jersey? Or would it look better the other way around?
Aside from some of the uniforms mentioned above, you have to love the Philadelphia Flyers use of orange. The logo is of what, a sideways musical note? You’d think the logo for the Flyers would show Bobby Clarke’s toothless grin as he crosschecks Jean Ratelle in the back of the neck. Speaking of teams needing a new logo, what’s with Calgary’s flaming C? Hmmm, flaming C…there’s a joke in there somewhere.
Finally, I will pick on the Edmonton Oilers. Once not so long ago, the Oilers had Todd MacFarlane make a “third jersey” which became the highest selling third jersey in the league. Everyone bashes Edmonton, but people all over the world wanted to wear that jersey. So what does the team do? Dumps the jersey that everyone is buying, and moves to this real homely hybrid mess. No one likes it, and now the team’s “third jersey,” is a throw-back to their original uniform. Better than their new jerseys, true, but seriously folks, go back to Todd’s jersey. Hey, even better: Ask him to make an away version of it too. Maybe more players will want to play in Edmonton if they have the coolest and highest selling jerseys in the league.
That's all for this season, wenches. Strike a pose!