It’s fall, and that means this year’s new television line-up is due to start any day. Any of you who are regular tv watchers know that Hollywood Execs and Producers ran out of good new show ideas a long time ago. But never fear, Maxbone is here. Get a load of these new NHL-inspired television series:
Need a good laugh? Check out this year’s new top rated improv-game show Dany Get’yer Gun. Each week, Dany travels to a different unsuspecting NHL city and holds the team hostage. Contestants are chosen from the fans in the stands, and they get to help Dany create ridiculous demands like having his own man-servant, having the ability to change the logo and team name, and having the name of the entire NHL changed to the Dany Hockey League. Dany might seem like a selfish jerk, but don’t call him a dressing room cancer! He’s the 50 goal scorer we love to hate, and hate to love.
Maybe comedy isn’t your thing? How about an on-going Soap Opera with more sex and violence than the new Melrose Place? The Sundin Always Sets is an exciting new soap opera taking place in Toronto…Vancouver…Montreal…New York…Boston…no, Vancouver…Swedin…the KHL…maybe Toronto…no he retires…or maybe…TV Guide says, “you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll be bored out of your mind! Mats is to hockey what a bathroom mirror is to narcissism.”
Speaking of the KHL, The Lifetime Network presents Geezers and Daisies: A Year in the Life of the KHL. This real-life drama follows around NHL senior citizens, league castoffs, and sissy European players too soft to play in the NHL, as they “struggle” through the difficult KHL season. The pilot episode shows Jaromir Jagr at a Moscow hospital, receiving treatment from a cappuccino-related injury, and Alexander Radulov attending a ballet class with members of the Russian ice dance team.
Anyone a science-fiction fan? It’s time you go where no one wanted to go ever before. That’s right, it’s the new Star Trek! Join Captain Tambi, Lieutenant Quinn, and Doctor Renney on Star Trek: Edmonton. Watch the USS Oiler travel from one city to another, on a quest to find someone to return with the crew to their home planet. Each episode is mystery with no solution, buckets of money being thrown, and no happy ending. Frustrated by never finding the star they desperately seek, their quest continues unfulfilled and indefinitely…until, of course, the episode where Tambi trips over a box of Tribbles, who agree to return with him to Edmonton, and are happy until they realize where they are and they choose to self destruct instead of attempting to start their Land Rovers in -30c weather with a wind chill.
How about a legal drama? Balsillie’s Desert features a titanic battle between good and evil, human vs dwarf, man against machine, single celled organism vs hermaphrodite…Ruling, after ruling, after ruling is made, featuring all the substance and believability of a WWE storyline. Can Balsillie buy the team? Can the NHL sell the team? Can the owner sell the team? Or does the court own the team? And can the court sell the team to someone outside the city? And can the owner move the team even if the NHL says no? And if Balsillie’s people send Gary Bettman a message over a Blackberry, is it a legal conflict of interest? Are Jim Balsillie and Gary Bettman the same people? Which hitman contracted by which party will be the first one to score? Has someone paid a judge under the table? Or is that the judge hiding underneath the table? Or does the legal action have a Table of Contents? I could go for days like this.
Finally, there’s All In The Dysfunctional Family. A poignant look at the CBC, as they continue to slaughter their NHL coverage and descend further into madness. It will begin with a new contest for Hockey Night in Canada theme music. The final choices will be between a hair metal ballad written by a lethargic 14 year-old who’s addicted to Guitar Hero from Saskatoon, and some operatic lame-ass keyboard-pop theme, written by a 31 year old Junior Accountant from London, Ontario. In the end the CBC will select the sound of Bob Cole yelling, “Sidney Crosby!” over and over, because he is, “Canada’s Player,” after all. The CBC will then cover every Toronto and Vancouver game during the season, because Calgary, Edmonton, Ottawa and Montreal do not rank in TROC (the rest of Canada). And don’t forget CBC’s 60 hours of coverage of minor hockey from small town whatever, Don Cherry’s random racist rumblings, and some guy named PJ’s incoherent yammering while he tries to describe highlight action from other Saturday night games. Be sure to note how if the Leafs are within 100 points of making the playoffs in October, Cole and his cohorts will predict their appearance in the cup finals come spring, not shutting up about the “Leafs chances,” all season.
Of course, if none of these shows appeal to you, you could just watch a hockey game.