Maxbone

"This page is all about the Edmonton Oilers"

Boyle, AB • Canada • 40 Years Old • Male

The Pipeline - August 11, 2009

The other day I decided to start writing an encyclopedia specific to NHL terms. Here's what I have written so far. Feel free to comment and add some new terms.

According to the NHL Encyclopedia:

Energy Player – A player who has very little talent, and is in the line-up to fill out the roster. Usually energy players are asked to go out there and hit and/or fight, to justify their existence in the NHL.

Energy Line – AKA the Fourth line

Sniper – Someone who hangs out by the opposing team’s blue line when the puck is in his own zone, and sets up 10 to 20 feet in front of the other team’s net when allowed to enter the offensive zone. Is likely overpaid for what he does. Referred to in Canadian hockey slang as a, “goal suck.”

Icing – An NHL penalty designed to injury players with weak ankles. Used as a way of encouraging Passive Eugenics in the hockey world.

Off-Side – My dad calls this a penalty to punish a team that is doing too well.

Face-off – A bad John Travolta movie. Are there any good Travolta movies?

Clean Hit – If the ref doesn’t see it, every hit is a clean hit.

The Salary Cap – A big, massive nuisance if your favorite team is owned by a billionaire.

Gary Bettman – Argumentative midget that seems to hate Canada. Was likely bullied as a child, and is currently bullied by Jim Balsillie and Chris Chelios.

Jim Balsillie – Rich guy who wants to buy an NHL team just to prove he can. Likely is doing it for an upcoming episode of Kenny vs Spenny.

Footlong – A thin 6” long hotdog available at any NHL rink for $5 more than it is worth.

Motor Oil – Coffee at a hockey game.

Club seating – The place where millionaires and company CEO’s sit to watch a game they have absolutely no idea about.

Don Cherry – The Canadian Archie Bunker

Toronto Maple Leafs – The most popular team in the world, out of any sport, in the most important city, ever. *Note: According to Leaf fans only.

Edmonton – NHL’s Siberia

Sean Avery – Quotable hipster who always knows what to say to make our game seem classy and respectful.

Hockey MILF – A hockey mom in rural Canadian on a Saturday. Tip: Don’t worry about chatting a hockey MILF up…the kids and their dad are distracted by the game.

Hockey God – Term that could currently apply to Alexander Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, or Evgenie Malkin. In past, is has been applied to players like Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky, Steve Yzerman, Bobby Orr and Mark Messier.

Empty Net – A term that was often used when Greg Millen was playing.

Hockey Mullet – A brutal haircut usually displayed by Ryan Smyth. The mullet became popular in the 70’s, and usually was accompanied by the hockey mustache.

The KHL – A retirement home for NHL players when they are washed up, or too wussy for the North American game.

Mens Hockey at the Olympics – An event that means absolutely nothing when teams from Sweden, Russia, Finland or the Czech Republic win the gold medal.

“The Trap” – The type of play a team uses to try and win games when they don’t have any talent.

Dany Heatley – Likely the next president of the NHLPA, because of his fairness, dedication, and strong moral character.

Lady Byng Trophy – In the words of Wayne Gretzky, something players would rather win a case of lipstick instead of.

Instigator Penalty – Punishment given to person who loses a fight

Stanley Cup – Big, shiny trophy that always seems to get dented up during the summer.

Hat Trick – A marketing strategy designed by the league to sell overpriced ball caps from each team’s clothing kiosk at the game.

Hockey Swagger – Term describing the walking style of a player earning more than $5mil per season.

Expansion – Pyramid scheme designed by the league to milk money from bored billionaires. Funds raised are redistributed to other bored billionaires who currently own a team. Whether the new team lives or dies, nobody really cares.

Entry Draft – The place where the Detroit Red Wings find two or three superstars each season, usually in the 4th to 7th rounds of the draft.

Street Hockey - A magical game where everyone can become Gretzky, Orr or Ovechkin.

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