Ron Guillet

"News Team! ASEEEMMBBLLEEE!"

I hate you, Toronto, ON • Canada • 27 Years Old • Male

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Tlusty Shootsy He Scoresy!

Jiri Tlusty played his first National Hockey League game last night against the high octane, shake your boots and soil your pants Pittsburgh Crosby's. Jiri played well, he was fast on his feet and he was digging in the corners, which by the way resulted in a goal... off his rear end, we'll get to that later. He's also a smart hockey player, he keeps his head up and scopes the zone for all available options, not to sound like a Leaf homer but he looked like an NHL regular out there. But let's discuss the best and juiciest part of last night's debacle... his goals...with an ''S''! With a dramatic effect, no less. The following is satire and the homer jets have been turned on.

With the crowd roaring at him and his teammates cautious of his so called ''rookie demeanour'' ( quoted from a Habs bum on the side of the road, otherwise known as Jacques Demers), the 19 year-old dug the puck out of the corner, lifted his head to scan the zone and, quite biasly I might add, passed to countryman Pavel Kubina, who fanned on the shot purposely to trick the Pens defenders. Alexander Steen then took a wrist shot which apparently snapped over Fleury's glove for a goal. But wait, after video review, it is perfectly clear that Jiri Tlusty's ass did indeed deflect the puck for his first NHL goal. When asked about the goal, Jiri responded "He shoot to my ass and I a little bit feel it, but I don't say nothing," Tlusty explained in broken English. Classy young man, but the hind of steel was noticed and well appreciated. Well played Jiri!

His second goal came from who other than his teammate who he is biasly passes to all the time, Pavel Kubina. He roared down the ice with the puck in possession. Marc-Andre Fleury was apparently so intimidated from Tlusty's golden rear that he broke under pressure and dropped to his knee's begging for mercy...which then resulted in a hella slick wrist shot for Tlusty's second NHL goal. I ask you this; who needs Tavares?

Toronto's first overall pick in 2006 is now on pace for a 144 goals, +144, 0 assists and 72 Game Winning Goals. He is clearly the next phenom of the league and is sure to win just about any trophy on display. When confronted about this by reporters, Jiri simply cracked a smile, pointed to his stick and a sparkle of light flashed from his teeth. What a guy!

After trying to catch up with him after the game, he wipped his jersey behind his back, quite rudely I might add and walked away like he was Sidney Crosby.

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