I always find it preposterous when people compare athletes from today to athletes from yesteryear. Today's competitors have so many advantages nutritionally, pharmaceutically, and in their training methods that it's a real apples and oranges situation. I have no doubt that the Oilers franchise is no different from the other teams in the league, in that they are cutting edge in all of the above.
But what extra supplements could individual Oilers take that would take them to that next level? It can't hurt that Oilers owner Daryl Katz made his fortune owning Rexall pharmacies. I mean, think of the wholesale prices the players can get! Except Horcoff and Dubnyk; they were/are so overpaid that I hope Katz charges them full price plus a 10% convenience fee.
I've selected one supplement each for some of the Oilers' key players:
Devan Dubnyk -- St. John's Wort
SJW is used to cheer up people suffering from depression. I don't know that Dubnyk is depressed, but he has the personality of Eeyore in a snowstorm. The only downside to taking this is it has been known to alleviate age-related long-term memory impairment in rats, so he could vividly relive the Nashville goal and all of his other dismal career lowlights.
Eric Belanger -- Ondansetron
Yeah, I know he isn't with the team anymore, but I always found him to be an unlikeable Richard who just needed to sit on the toilet. Is IBS contagious? Did he get Fernando Pisani's old stall?
Jason LaBarbera -- Nothing
Why would he put CM Punk on his mask if he isn't straight edge?
Taylor Fedun -- Vicodin
A broken femur would really hurt. But not as much as not making the team for the millionth year in a row, because of MacT's excellent idea to create competition at training camp through a logjam of defenders. He'll be taking them without water, like House, by January.
Ryan Jones -- Beta Carotene
Poor Ryan Jones has made an admirable comeback from his awful eye injury. But he could use a boost. His eyesight must continue to improve, so he can see through his injury, his dark visor, and his hockey hair. Beta carotene is also effective at improving night vision, in case he sucks this year and has to go work graveyards at his local Rexall warehouse.
Darnell Nurse -- Whey Protein
Fill out that frame and be the next Scott Stevens, kid! We all believe in you!
Kale Kessy -- Tribulus Terrestris
It's not that he needs a testosterone boost, but we just need a psycho fighting machine already. I bet Semenko could still drop half the league. We need an enforcer and sacrifices must be made.
Ryan Smyth -- Dr. Scholl's Shoe Inserts
I'm pretty sure you can buy these at a pharmacy, and I'm pretty sure you can put them in skates. Maybe he slowed down because his feet hurt? He needs to be gellin' like a felon, Helen. Want some melon?
Sam Gagner -- Ritalin
You won't get traded. You won't get traded. You won't get traded. You won't get traded. You won't get traded. You won't get traded. You won't get traded.
Ales Hemsky -- Caffeine
The guy always seems like he just woke up from a nap. Even when Sleeping Beauty is skating really fast, he looks like he's sleepskating and hardly moving. He needs to start using the non-drowsy children's NyQuil too. He should also pick up some band-aids while he's there.
Ladislav Smid -- Icy Hot Patch
Give the guy credit, he's a fearless shot blocker. The 9th overall pick is loved in the room and could leave a big hole if he left. Katz should just give these to him by the dozen.
Nail Yakupov -- Synaptol
As an OTC formulated proprietary homeopathic medicine, Synaptol features officially recognized active homeopathic ingredients in a purified ionized mineral water base for
safe, superior relief from hyperactivity and impulsivity. Synaptol's active ingredient blend works with your body for natural relief from these symptoms. Imagine your family's return to a better quality of life - knowing that you are taking steps toward an integrated health approach for relief!
Taylor Hall -- Mederma
This guy is far too pretty to look like Frankenstein.
Jordan Eberle -- Alka Seltzer Morning Relief
Eberle is from Regina, Saskatchewan, near my hometown of Yorkton, and has lived in Calgary, where I live now. I totally appreciate all the Pilsners he's had to drink to make it this far. And hey, you can take the boy out of Saskatchewan...
Ryan Nugent-Hopkins -- Transfer of Sentience to a New Athletic Adult Body with Muscles
I don't think this is available yet, but it really should be when you have a brilliant hockey brain in the body of a 12-year-old. He must be so jealous of Krang.
Nikolai Khabiboulin -- Cialis
I hope Daryl hooked him up on the way out.