Newman

Calgary, AB • Canada • 29 Years Old • Male

Flames Infomercial is a Real Winner

“Do you struggle to save the puck? Are you having trouble stopping that little black piece of rubber from going in the net? Do you find yourself riding the pine more than you think you should? If so, we believe we have the answer for you. Come on over the Calgary where the Flames will show you what true hospitality is all about. Their under-achieving band of overpaid hockey players will shoot it right into your logo. They will miss the net when you are out of position. They will even fire nice softball perimeter blasts with no screen, just so you can boost your confidence. It’s that easy. So give them a call at: 403-777-SUCK. Multiple visits encouraged if you are REALLY struggling.

WARNING: IF YOUR HAPPINESS LASTS MORE THAN 4 HOURS PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR.”

Sounds like this could really sell!

You can see Niklas Backstrom sitting on his couch late last week watching late night TV in a desperate hope to find an answer for his recent woes. With a crumb trail running down his shirt and drool hanging from his chin, he fell upon the Flames network and like that, his prayers had been answered.

Prior to Saturday night’s game at the Dome, Backstrom had only a single win in his previous six games. His GAA in those six games was hovering around 4.50. Now he has back-to-back wins, a GAA of 1.00 and a SV% right around .970.

Where can I buy stock in this sure seller?

Running into a hot goaltender is easy – it happens all the time. Making that goaltender look better than he is is the true magic and running mantra, of the Calgary Flames organization.

The Flames now sit 8 points out of a playoff spot with just over half the season to go. Their road record is a pitiful 5-10-3. Their home record is an awe-inspiring 9-7. Yes, if awe-inspiring means barely scraping by with your dignity.

It’s not Mission: Impossible, just Mission: very unlikely to occur.

With no sense of a winning attitude and no sense of a scoring touch outside of a few players, the Flames 2010-11 season has gone from bad to worse to horrifying, to just plain embarrassing.

The few bright spots linger, but they are overshadowed by the end result: too many losses and not enough wins.

They will not reach their goal of being .500 by Christmas. They play the Blue Jackets Tuesday night. The good news is that they are unbeaten against the Jackets this year. The bad news is that the Flames are 1-3 on the back half of back-to-back games.

The sad part is that they have not even shown the fans and media alike that there even should be hope. Their longest win streak is a paltry three games – and that was almost 2 months ago. Their offence is far from explosive – they have scored 5+ goals twice in a month and a half. There is simply nothing there.

The question persists though: how bad must it get before something is done? Lose 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 in a row? Be so far out of a playoff spot you can’t even make out what the license plate is on the car/team in front of you? It took a massive slump last season to spur on one of the biggest PANIC attacks by a GM ever. The difference with this year’s team is that they are not leading the division, not in contention – unless you consider 14th place in the conference contending.

It’s over folks. The time is now.

Lest we want more slumping goaltenders calling the Flames hotline looking for a pick me up.

“Hello, Steve Mason, is that you? We’ve been expecting your call. What can we do for you?”

Newman

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