AlexanderScharf

"Talking New York Rangers Hockey, since 2007"

New York, NY • United States • 23 Years Old • Male

The iTorts Shuffle

Tired of your hockey team having bad chemistry?

Sick of spending hours making line combinations that may actually work?

There is a solution to all of your problems: The iTorts Shuffle.

Based on the most popular Apple product, the iPod Shuffle, which plays your music in a random order, the iTorts Shuffle picks a line combination for you. It is effortless, and it is exciting. Just push the button and you will know instantly which players to send over the boards next.

Get the iTorts Shuffle and you will love the suspense it brings. Anything is possible.

Don’t think 60 million dollar man Brad Richards would ever play with grinders Boyle and Prust? Think again.

Don’t expect to see Marian Gaborik benched for most of the 3rd period while trailing 2-0? Think again.

“What about chemistry?” you may ask. But that stuff is overrated. Just look back to Scott Gomez. He never developed chemistry with Jaromir Jagr, and he brought back Ryan McDonagh from Montreal in what pundits are calling the most fair trade of the century.

The iTorts Shuffle will save you tons of time from your busy coaching schedule. Now, instead of spending your afternoons finding a left winger for the top line, you can hang around bus stops looking for beat reporters to beat up.

Never be distracted by trivial line combinations during the game either. You will be able to devote all your attention to yelling and making faces of disdain at your players, their players, the refs, and the scoreboard. Plus, the iTorts Shuffle is hands free, allowing you the ability to throw water bottles into the crowd whenever it pleases you.

Still don’t believe it?

The iTorts Shuffle has been proven with numerous studies on EA Sports NHL 12. Five independent testers all had undefeated seasons* in the trial runs using the iTorts Shuffle. (*level beginner)

After all, hockey players are exactly like video games. They don’t need time to develop chemistry and comfort with their linemates. Just throw them out there and they will get the job done. When they win a Stanley Cup for you, nobody will ever be allowed to question your ill-advised coaching decisions again.

Just ask Stanley Cup Winning Coach John Tortorella.


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