Note: The following regulations are applicable to any team facing the Pittsburgh Penguins
By: Gary Bettman
I. Assessment of Penalties
A. Penalties are assessed when a player commits: interference, roughing, cross-checking, slashing, hooking, holding, obstruction hooking, obstruction holding, fighting and instigating. (These terms will be expounded upon in the later sections.)
B. Players can be given: 2 minute minors, 4 minute double-minors, 5 minute majors and misconducts.
C. Penalties can be given to any player on the ice or the bench. However, it is illegal to penalize Sidney Crosby or any player who he advises the referees to give immunity to. He receives such privileges because he is vital to the game of hockey and because the commissioner has a crush on him.
D. Any referee that penalizes Crosby or any of the aforementioned immune players will be fined, suspended, prosecuted, and entered for rehabilitation into the league's Crosby Abuse Program.
II. Interference, Roughing, Cross-Checking
A. Interference is when a player prevents an opponent from skating to the puck at a time when the opponent is not playing, or did not recently play, the puck. Roughing is use of unnecessary physical play against an opponent. Cross-Checking is the smashing of the stick, held parallel to the body in both hands, on an opponent.
B. These penalties are punishable with two minute minors. In a case where the referee is rooting for a specific team, or otherwise just feels like it, he may disregard these penalties and instead assess a hooking or holding call (see below) to the victimized team. This prevents hooking and holding in the game so that Cros...um...the skilled players can showcase their talent.
III. Slashing, Hooking, Holding
A. Slashing is the swinging of one's stick at an opponent or the chopping of one's stick and the breaking of an opponent's stick. Hooking is the placement of one's stick into an opponent's midsection parallel to the ice surface. Holding is the grabbing of another player with one's free hand.
B. These penalties are punishable with two minute minors, except if the infraction is committed against Jaromir Jagr. On account of his size, his poor affiliation with the Uber-Organization (The Penguins), and his European roots (we hate Europeans) a referee shall ignore any acts of hooking, holding or slashing committed against Jaromir Jagr, except in the case that the opposing crowd begins to boo the non call. Even then, the referee should be inclined to assess a coincidental diving minor against Jagr.
C. The referees are advised to assess these penalties to players at random on no basis whatsoever. The use of “Phantom Calls” is encouraged because it creates more power play time and consequently more goals. (The Uber-Network (ESPN) refuses to televise hockey games unless scoring goes up.) This will result in a larger audience, more revenue and a bigger salary for the commissioner (hehe).
IV. Obstruction Hooking, Obstruction Holding
A (See hooking, holding above). These penalties are assessed when a referee feels the need to sound important, educated and containing discretion. The league does not hire smart referees so as not to compromise the integrity of our rulebook with employees who would be critical of it, but it is vital for the fans, the marketers, and the Uber-Network to believe that it does.
V. Fighting, Instigating
A. Any player that fights shall be assessed a 5 minute major penalty. Any player that instigates a fight shall be assessed an additional game misconduct and a suspension.
B. The Instigator rule is in place in order to impress the Uber-Network which does not approve of fighting, and to advertise to the southeastern United States, whose residents do not condone fighting unless dogs or cocks are the ones involved. However, due to the league’s secret policy of supporting senseless violence, the instigator penalty furthers that goal by allowing goons (see Chris Simon, Todd Bertuzzi) to involve themselves in violent and dangerous activity without fear of retribution from the other team.
Note: Any reproduction, retransmission, criticism, condemnation, disparagement, censuring, or whining (except in the case of Crosby) of these rules, the NHL, the NHLPA, Sidney Crosby, The Uber-Organization, The Uber-Network or the commissioner is strictly prohibited and any violators will be prosecuted and persecuted to the full extent of the law and beyond.