BASIC MANUAL FOR FATHERS/HUSBANDS WHEN TAKING
THE FAMILY TO AN NHL GAME
This manual is for the use of comings and goings to a hockey game. But you can substitute any other sport or any other function that you are attending. This is all meant in fun and not intended to offend or to portray any person.
It is vital that you please the spouse (especially if spouse is not hockey orientated.)
You may have to resort to a bribe, which may include any one or all of the following: chocolates, roses, or a last resort take her to a chick movie. Remember what is at stake here.
It is a good idea to ask a friend or co-conspirator to go over every detail of the itinerary. Role playing is essential so you can go through every possible situation. The more scenarios you plan, the better you will be prepared. Plan for 3-4 hours of preparation to accomplish the task.
BEFORE GAME RITUAL
1.1 DINNER BEFORE THE GAME
This must be planned out with the wife. One must allow input from the wife or suffer the consequence -- for example no hockey game or death. This dinner should have all the kids favorites, this is vital for negotiations to be discussed in section 2.0 of this manual. The dinner should include a dessert, preferably one that all the kids love. Dinner must only take 20 - 30 minutes of time to keep on schedule.
1.2 ESTIMATED TIME OF BLAST OFF; DEPARTING TO THE ARENA
You must be united with your wife on what time to leave to the game. The tricky point is not to leave too early. It is vital again to success of section 2.0. You have to pick the perfect time, so you can arrive as close to the beginning of the game as you can. You should do dry runs driving to the stadium during rush hour at least five times. This is done to try to imitate the traffic going to the game. Plan on 3 hours of preparation time, depending on how busy your rush hour is.
2.0 ARRIVAL AT DESTINATION
2.1 TOO EARLY
First of all, don't panic -- kids live on fear. They can smell it like a grizzly bear smelling blood. Obviously, your main goal is to spend as little as you can on snacks. Tell the kids that you must find your seats before you get snacks. Next, pretend to get lost. Go the wrong way to the seats. Make sure to take as much time as possible to find the seats. After they find their seats, plan on going to get the snacks yourself. The first very important note to the snacks: quantity is important. Try to limit the sugar intake of the kids. Try to limit number of visits to the concessions. The reason is simple. One does not want children trying to climb up to the ceiling while watching the hockey game.
2.2 ON TIME
Refer to 2.1
3.0 GAME TIME
3.1 QUESTIONS DURING THE GAME
Answer them concisely and quickly. Avoid eye contact. This will help to keep the conversation to a minimum. Excuses for not making eye contact: tell them you have a sore neck; tell them you're too old to answer such trivial questions. The second usually works because they know you're old. The last desperate answer is telling them you don't know (which is like slitting your wrists but it might get you off the hook.)
Think of the most complicated gobblely gook you can think of. She will be too proud to admit that she did not understand the answer. She will just nod and take the answer. If, however, she persist in continuing to ask, turn red and tell her you made it up because you don't know the answer and didn't want to look bad in front of her. That will give the satisfaction of her superiority over you.
3.2 FIGHTING AND ARGUMENTS
Pick one side right away. Don't tell them why. At the same time wink at the other child, letting them think that you're just saying that to end the fight. If this doesn't work, threaten them that they will go to Aunt so-and-so, the one who gives out sloppy kisses. That should end the fight. If the fighting still persists, start crying. It will embarrass them to death.
4.0 LEAVING THE GAME
This is where the threatening and gnashing of teeth will take place if you have not used it yet. In case it has already been used, bribery is an excellent alternate method. If neither works, ask your wife to handle this by buttering her up and telling her she is so much better at this than you are.
There you have it, the basic manual for the going to and leaving a hockey game. Remember you can use the manual for all different occasions, so how much should I sell it for?