This is the time of year for New Year's resolutions. You know - the one where most people will try to not to eat people for the year. Well, that might be a bad example. I have decided to make resolutions for other people, since I am too perfect and do not need to improve at all. I think it is time someone pointed out some good new year resolutions for the poor misguided hockey players of the NHL. Sometimes, hockey players have been known not to be able to forgive one another.
For example, the Calgary Flames players seem to have trouble with the Edmonton Oilers. They seem to be extra bitter toward the Oilers. Maybe it could be that they just don't understand each other. Maybe it’s a lack of communication. My first New Year's resolution is to set up a tea and crumpets night between the Flames and Oilers. Maybe have the players sing a nice rendition of “This land is my land, this land is your land.” We could end the evening with hugs all around. One can never can go wrong with a nice hug and some kind words, and singing brings out the goodness of people.
Speaking of hard feelings, maybe we can try to get the Rangers and the Islanders to get together without wanting to choke one another. Maybe we can get the players to take anger management courses, then maybe get them to express the repressed anger they have hidden over the years. Just maybe we can get them to deal with their feelings instead of resorting to anger or violence all the time. Maybe we can get them to control their anger towards each other.
With my overwhelming concern over the hockey players, I feel the need to help the Wings and Avalanche players. You see, something seems to happen to them. It's like they become possessed when they play each other. I fear that there is no hope for these players, so I make a resolution for these teams not to play each other. Simply put, we do not let these teams play each other. I fear there is no hope for either one of these teams. I fear for their salvation and the wellbeing of their souls.
Now I come to my concern for lovely under appreciated hockey players from Philly and Pit. Now the players on these teams remind me of siblings, which means we must make them all sit in a room and not let them leave until they kiss and make up. This may be kind of harsh, but sometimes tough love is the only way. I must confess that nothing bothers me more than when people are too stubborn to move an inch or compromise. Neither of these teams seems to want to budge on their differences. Therefore, we must take drastic action to try to stop the feeling of hatred they have for each other.
Now I must try to help the poor eastern hockey players in Toronto, Montreal, and Ottawa. These three teams of players always seem to almost get into a triple team tag team match. Toronto and Ottawa seem to fight like mad, and they try to bring in the third, which would be Montreal, and they would not even try to stop the fighting and bickering. In fact, it seems the Montreal players would encourage the two teams to kill each other. It would not matter which one of the three teams acted as the mediator, they would refused to help the other two. So my New Year's resolution for the three teams is to bring in new mediators; ones who actually try to stop the fighting and bickering instead of encouraging it.
It takes so much out of me to try to help my fellow hockey players. Is it really worth the effort? Oh, what the heck, who really take their resolutions seriously anyways? Let's just let them all kill each other. After all, boys will be boys. Happy New Year, everyone.
I'm sorry, but "tea and crumpets night" was just too damn funny!