FLAMESTR

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Calgary, AB • Canada • 55 Years Old • Male

A World state of Panic happening

There seems to be an epidemic happening on a frozen pond every night. It seems to affect millions of people at a time. The new-found disease is called hockeyitis. Remember that, because it will get your husband to do many, many stupid things. But it seems to affect players who go out on some steel blades (through much research on my own, I have come to the knowledge that they are called “skates”.)

They start this game off in the middle of the ice surface (again, through much research, I find out it’s called “center ice”.) Now heaven forbid if you start losing this event, because awful symptoms manifest in those who lose.

These players first show amnesia during the game. What is really odd is that only the losing players seem to get it. What an odd phenomenon. This is really becoming puzzling. Maybe somebody should write a book on what a winning team does to avoid these awful symptoms.

The scary thing about this phenomenon is that there is no warning, so the players cannot take any medicine ahead of time. In fact, there seems to be no cure for the losing team; it seems like it’s terminal. The symptom seems to bring a panic to those guys in stripes, as they seem to be continually sending the affected players to a box for two minutes, hoping against all hope that players may be cured of the said symptoms.

What is really odd, the symptoms seem to change from one team to the other at the blink of an eye. You see the round black object gets into the net by the guy who is in all sort of equipment, and the symptom seems to change teams? The players seem to blame the two men in the heavy equipment for the symptoms, because they keep on shooting this round object at them. It seems to frustrate the players even more if the guy in heavy equipment stops the said round black object (hereafter referred to as a “puck”).

It’s a good thing that the players have pads, because they seem to really take it out on each other for being stuck in front of the fans. It must be very scary, trying to fight off all these symptoms in front of all the fans. By the way, what are those be heavy objects in the arena that look like they take pictures of the players? They tell me that other people can watch this spectacle at home through a boob tube. Apparently, these players get consistently ridiculed by announcers for their actions on the ice.

This is where this disease becomes so serious: with these tubes, all sorts of husbands will start watching this event. They seem to pick one team to win, and if that team start losing, well; the hockeyitis seems to take over their whole body. They start throwing things at the tube, using language at the players of the losing team that should not be repeated. The husbands seem to think the players can hear them, therefore hoping to save the said players from humiliation. The husbands seem to take the humiliation on themselves; this seems to wear off when they turn the tube off.

As hard as I researched this, I could find no cure; but symptoms appear to wear off in early June, when the winning teams get to carry some kind of cup around and look like idiots. They seem to bring whole lot of people with them to rub it in everyone’s faces. Do yourselves a favor, try not to catch the bug. I will try to do more research on the disease, to try to stop the worldwide panic.

Flamestr

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